‘what hit me?’

21st September '14

I wonder if my life is supposed to be about myself or is it supposed to revolve around someone?
Why do I need an anchor or a symbol of hope? Is it my weakness? And if I break that, lose it.. then what?

Right now the thin film which separated the filth and the clear in my life has dissolved. Everything is everything now. I can’t discern what is what. With such a judgement impairment should I even be allowed to live a normal day? 

I thought this one thing was the ray of hope. The thing which came in as a blessing to finally close some doors. You know like a ‘sign’. If I thought this was a sign, and this too eluded me, does this mean that the ‘opposite’ is true.

Everything happens for a reason. So what’s the puzzle here, what’s the lesson? What is it that I need to figure out before I can take a step ahead. Could it be just some old karma coming to bite me or is there something more to it?

I did protect myself. I thought I’d held myself back. I did tell myself ‘not yet’. But then how do you just go halfway and set up camp? How do you do something not fully - it’s either you do it or not! Well I admit, I can’t love and not invest myself fully at the same time. 

I didn't do it consciously. I was just breathing. I was just living. And yes, I did look forward and fell in love with a dream, which I thought was a reality. I felt this unreal thing. I spoke to this non-existence.

I’m not sure about anything now. Not this. Nor that.
I thought I’ll need a day or two. Maybe I need more. 
I can handle this on my own. I have to. I’ve pushed everyone off. 


20th September '14

Sinking again
In the sky where there is no sand
The curse is dancing
Bullseye - it struck again

Awakened from the dream
The reality stings
The curse is on the prowl again
It preys on all four

Uprooted seeds floating on salty water
The dams break
The curse is swimming
Backstroke, breaststroke and butterfly

Some lives are not lived
Some things are taken before you even hold them
Some curses you do not deserve
But then what can you do?