Where have the butterflies gone?

December '2014

Where have the butterflies gone?

They have flown into another dimension
    where the birds won't eat their eggs..

They are in hiding
    waiting to spring up all together
        and startle me..

They are planning a surprise party
    under the hedges
        for it's the moth's second birthday..

They are meditating
    to learn to levitate
        as flying is to hard..

The Calling

December '2014

I sat on the beach with my legs sunk in sand and chin on my knees
wearing a veil of hair
having a conversation with the ocean.
He was luring me, teasing me, inviting me.
He was succeeding.
He made me want to walk into his arms,
just right into him,
deeper and deeper still.

I didn't care if I couldn't breathe.
I didn't care if I would drown.
I didn't care at all.
Who listens to their heads when their hearts ruled?

It wasn't the first time.
He had come knocking onto my window with rain,
had played with my hair and driven me mad.

He left messages everywhere.
In small glass bottles with cork heads
he'd sent me love spells
sometimes as sand, sometimes as salt candies and sometimes even poetry.

The voodoo worked.
With white champas adorning my hair
I danced slowly into him
and he welcomed me with a roar and wave.

I got wet...                                                
                  ...never to dry again. 

in search of self

Dec ' 2014

acrylic on canvas

with my heart in my hand
I sail the universe
sometimes tiding the sea
sometimes deep beneath

I see a hundred million suns
I see a new world beneath after rock bottom
I see everything as one

the love within me
is the cosmic one
and the cosmos is me

I'm an insignificant speck in the universe
but as significant as the whole universe

the truth is
there are
worlds
within worlds
to the power of infinity
both ways
plus
or minus

Coming Back

November '2014

I came back after a long time
  to live
    to laugh
      to cry.
To hear myself breathe.
To feel the living in me.

I came back to myself.
It's not easy.
It's a journey
through rivers,
    mountains,
      judgemental people
        and situations.
I have to cut through all and emerge

I hold my cloak close.
The crystals shine
  and show me the way..

Cleanse

November '2014

The darkness inside of me spills out like industrial waste.
it's grainy, slimy, creepy with a stench and dirty.
very very dirty.

I take out a spoonful of the slime, everyday
and become cleaner, everyday.
I bathe in the sunlight, everyday
and disinfect the germs, everyday.

I'm swimming through the mud
into clearer water, still,
into cleaner air, still
with spiral rainbows and spinning fishes,
with powdered surfaces and daffodil hills.

Let it be

November '2014

let me be, just let me be..

I'm me, not you, not your expectations..
everyone's themselves, just let them be..

If you have no kindness, no consideration, no heart..
forever hold your tongue, just shut the fuck up..

What makes you think you're more important than the soul beside you?

We're all insignificant..
or we're all significant..

No grades, no ladders, no marks..

let it be.
let it go.

Do not be afraid. 

‘what hit me?’

21st September '14

I wonder if my life is supposed to be about myself or is it supposed to revolve around someone?

Why do I need an anchor or a symbol of hope? Is it my weakness? And if I break that, lose it.. then what?

Right now the thin film which separated the filth and the clear in my life has dissolved. Everything is everything now. I can’t discern what is what. With such a judgement impairment should I even be allowed to live a normal day? 

I thought this one thing was the ray of hope. The thing which came in as a blessing to finally close some doors. You know like a ‘sign’. If I thought this was a sign, and this too eluded me, does this mean that the ‘opposite’ is true.

Everything happens for a reason. So what’s the puzzle here, what’s the lesson? What is it that I need to figure out before I can take a step ahead. Could it be just some old karma coming to bite me or is there something more to it?

I did protect myself. I thought I’d held myself back. I did tell myself ‘not yet’. But then how do you just go halfway and set up camp? How do you do something not fully - it’s either you do it or not! Well I admit, I can’t love and not invest myself fully at the same time. 

I didn't do it consciously. I was just breathing. I was just living. And yes, I did look forward and fell in love with a dream, which I thought was a reality. I felt this unreal thing. I spoke to this non-existence.

I’m not sure about anything now. Not this. Nor that.
I thought I’ll need a day or two. Maybe I need more. 

I can handle this on my own. I have to. I’ve pushed everyone off.