Blues and Pinks and Yellows and Greens

3^rd March 2016

Maybe it’s postpartum depression. Maybe it’s the hormones acting up. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed. But this is what I am right now. And I’m ok with that.

I’ve gone through a lot – through my pregnancy and in the last 3 weeks. I’m not gonna undermine myself or my emotions. It’s normal to feel this way. I’m gonna fight it. Even if it means that I cry, because sometimes tears bring us the courage we need.

Sometimes crying doesn’t bring the courage. It just brings more tears and then more. You feel pathetic. You feel weak. You feel incapable. But that’s also ok I guess. It’s just a feeling. Feelings pass. And tears dry.

            *          *          *          *          *

I believe in God. I believe he knows the lessons I have to learn and pass on. So I just have to live and let go. Whatever will be will be. I’ll take each day as it comes counting my blessings.

I’m deeply indebted to my mother. She’s been there for me in a way no one can ever be. She’s there everywhere. Healing me, blessing me, sending me off to rest, making me food, feeding my babies, clothing them, bathing them, handling my house etc etc and more. I don’t know how I’ll manage without her once she leaves in 2 weeks. She won’t even be available on the phone for a year.

I wish that someday I can too love my children like this!

I’m so proud of the daddy my life partner is turning out to be. I never saw him with a child ever. And now he’s a full-on hands-on dad - Feeding, burping, changing nappies, singing and more. Not only that, he’s been a rock solid support for me whose held my back against the storms I faced. I never knew that having children would mean falling in love with my husband all over again!

            I love you Kev. I really do. Muahs.

            *          *          *          *          *

I’m not so unhappy with myself either. I think I’m doing a pretty good job of this, to the best of my ability.

I’m just so sad at myself. I never thought I’ll be this kind of a mother. Crying one at that. I thought I’ll be a happy, singing, vivacious full of songs and smiles kinda mother. But I can’t. Just the saving grace till now is that I’m not crying in the presence of my babies. I go away from them. I try my best to be happy and bring in songs for them when I’m with them.

Am I so self-absorbed that I can’t handle sleeplessness? Where is the mother’s instinct and strength everyone talks about? I haven’t seen that in me yet.

I’m not a superwoman. I’m not a supermom.

I’m a regular person. Maybe lesser than that.

What do I do?

Mother to twins!

2^nd March 2016

I’m a mother to twins, now.

8 months ago it was Rumi, my little pup. 

And now I have three!

Sometimes it seems unbelievable. Like a hazy reality it dawns on me with creeping irritation caused by sleeplessness and physical pain. It strikes true as the cloud of the overwhelmed feeling envelopes me and rains incessantly.

Sometimes the feeling of a soft cheek on mine feels like heaven. Through all the pain I smile and laugh and sing songs to keep every bit of sadness away from my li’l ones. And the rhythm of two heartbeats on my chest gives me bliss.

Naina and Kanishk. My little ones. My little little ones.

They already have so much within them. I’m amazed! I understand now that motherhood is not about teaching but about learning from the babies. They have so much in them already. Their personality, behavior, character and traits are forming as I write this. I’m no one to interfere in that process. I can just help guide that into the right routes. This responsibility seems too great as of now.

Well this piece was supposed to be a conversation with myself. It’s sounding too deep already. Maybe I should try another one afresh on a lighter note.

Marigold

donno when I wrote it

Golden Sun
..rains
Golden Sun
..sheds
Golden Sun
..blazes

And down come orange marigolds
as droplets
as withered leaves
as embers

Tilted Rays

1st August '2015

I see the rays falling in straight tilted lines
I see them through closed eyelids
They fall right
They fall left
But none on me.

A strong ray that percolates in seems to lose its sheen
As soon as it touches me
Why don't I get the grace?

Am I not grateful?
Maybe not.
But is it intentional?
Definitely not!

Please fall on me rays.
I need you

All I wanted was some unaccounted time

8^th March 2015

All I wanted was some unaccounted time…

Some air to play with my curls

Some conversation to rekindle my heart

Something timeless

Something not mundane

All I wanted was some unaccounted time…

To look beyond the obvious

To shake away the doubts

To feel it in my bones again

To reconnect like that once again

All I wanted was some unaccounted time…

But it was not to be

But it was too impractical

But the but of all buts…

But the elements did not conspire

All I wanted was some unaccounted time…

It was not only for me

It was for us

It was… It was… It was…

It was for us to be

All I wanted was some unaccounted time…

Was it too much?

Was it difficult?

Was it missed?

Was it wanted, at all?

All I wanted was some unaccounted time…

How do I go home?

18th January 2015

Why does it happen still?
After all these years?
The weirdness creeps in.
And the world spins.

You don't know which road to take.
How will you go home?
What is home?
Where is home?

In Calcutta?
In Delhi?
In Hyderbad?
In Mumbai?
In all the houses I've lived in?
Where all my loved ones live?
My mom's house?
Where my brother lives?
Where my beloved grew up?
Where my love resides?

Is it where I breathe the lightest?
In his arms?
In the pause in a poem?
In a tune's smile?

In me?
A place?
A place which is eternal.
Where I've often paused and rested awhile.

In all the lives I've lived?
Is it the body in which my soul lives?
Is it in a shelf in outer space?

I'm confused.
I wanna go home.
Where is it?

it flows again

18th January 2015

so it flows again
slowly, it hesitates.
stops and then starts again.
its been a long time
so it hesitates
but it flows again.

the pierced.
the wound.
had bettered
not healed.
it trickles again.

don't. don't. don't be hard.
don't push it. it's gentle. it's vulnerable. it'll crumble. yet again.

it be said. it's been said. it be said again.
eternal cycles of flood and drought reign and will do so.
sometimes more. sometimes less.
but always something. always something.
never nothing. never nothing.
always something.