Blues and Pinks and Yellows and Greens

3^rd March 2016

Maybe it’s postpartum depression. Maybe it’s the hormones acting up. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed. But this is what I am right now. And I’m ok with that.

I’ve gone through a lot – through my pregnancy and in the last 3 weeks. I’m not gonna undermine myself or my emotions. It’s normal to feel this way. I’m gonna fight it. Even if it means that I cry, because sometimes tears bring us the courage we need.

Sometimes crying doesn’t bring the courage. It just brings more tears and then more. You feel pathetic. You feel weak. You feel incapable. But that’s also ok I guess. It’s just a feeling. Feelings pass. And tears dry.

            *          *          *          *          *

I believe in God. I believe he knows the lessons I have to learn and pass on. So I just have to live and let go. Whatever will be will be. I’ll take each day as it comes counting my blessings.

I’m deeply indebted to my mother. She’s been there for me in a way no one can ever be. She’s there everywhere. Healing me, blessing me, sending me off to rest, making me food, feeding my babies, clothing them, bathing them, handling my house etc etc and more. I don’t know how I’ll manage without her once she leaves in 2 weeks. She won’t even be available on the phone for a year.

I wish that someday I can too love my children like this!

I’m so proud of the daddy my life partner is turning out to be. I never saw him with a child ever. And now he’s a full-on hands-on dad - Feeding, burping, changing nappies, singing and more. Not only that, he’s been a rock solid support for me whose held my back against the storms I faced. I never knew that having children would mean falling in love with my husband all over again!

            I love you Kev. I really do. Muahs.

            *          *          *          *          *

I’m not so unhappy with myself either. I think I’m doing a pretty good job of this, to the best of my ability.

I’m just so sad at myself. I never thought I’ll be this kind of a mother. Crying one at that. I thought I’ll be a happy, singing, vivacious full of songs and smiles kinda mother. But I can’t. Just the saving grace till now is that I’m not crying in the presence of my babies. I go away from them. I try my best to be happy and bring in songs for them when I’m with them.

Am I so self-absorbed that I can’t handle sleeplessness? Where is the mother’s instinct and strength everyone talks about? I haven’t seen that in me yet.

I’m not a superwoman. I’m not a supermom.

I’m a regular person. Maybe lesser than that.

What do I do?

Fragmented I live. Whole I'd die.

16th February '13

bits of soul.
bits of emotions.
bits of persons one's been.
bits of experiences.
bits of hopes.
bits of expectations.
bits of the bits of the lots of thing.
scattered.

these scattered bits come together.
these scattered bits make groups.
these scattered bits get into conflicts with each other.
these scattered bits discuss.
these scattered bits have engaging conversations.
these scattered bits co-exist.
these scattered bits can't co-exist.
these scattered bits morph into personalities.
split-personality

Tidings

7th Feb '11

Blue rivers

Crimson wounds

Come together,

It’s a purple world!

Conniving wishes

Splashing on dreams

Expectations brimming

Hitting the ceiling

Green meadows

Sweet smelling flowers

Inviting craving

Circumstantial denial!

Yellow sunshine

Yellow lemon

Yellow allamanda

Yellow dirty eh?

splintered sentiments about one's home

19th January '10

It’s a weird mixed feeling about ‘home’ in my head (mainly it’s the heart, I guess).

I don’t know where my real home is, anymore! At least I don’t have it in total anywhere. It’s fragmented and is all over the place.

I get a little feel of it as I open the door to our apartment of some months. I get a little feel of it when I sip the morning tea, prepared exactly (almost) as always.
I get a little feel of it when I know exactly where to put what, and where what is.
I get a little feel of it when I lie in his arms and lull into sleep. And then it seems almost complete.

But I also call Cal my home, where now I don’t live anymore.
It’s I guess a sense of familiarity, knowing where what is, there which makes it home.
It’s also a sense of tuning into a system consciously and unconsciously, over the years.
It’s also a sense of belonging to a city, so full of friends, family and closed ones. Not to forget the memories contained in every fore.

It’s also home where my mommy lives. It’s also home where my daddy lives. It’s also home where I grew up with my bro. It’s also home, where my wedded lived his growing years. It’s also home in all those places where some months I lived before. And in many ways it’s also not home there.

It’s home now where I live with my mate. But somehow, the feeling of toto seems to be fragmented and strewn about everywhere.

They say home is where the heart is. But my heart is in so many places, with so many people and so many memories.

Circumstance vs Me

14th July '09

I donno if it's the circumstance...or it's me...

I donno if it's the way stuff is...or it's what I make of it..

suddenly, I don't sometimes like the stuff I say, or do...

It's like I don't like what I'm becoming..

regret stuff, the moment it's done...

Maybe the justification holds true...

and maybe it is the circumstance...

and again...

I donno if it's the circumstance...or it's me...

I donno if it's the way stuff is...or it's what I make of it..

suddenly, I don't sometimes like me...

CONSPIRER

8th May 2006

Sometimes from the deepest fears...
...Rises the utmost strength one has...
Sometimes from the darkest corners..
...Comes alive the most brightest fantasies...
Sometimes when these sometimes happen..
...One ceases and stops...and wonders...

What is it, which reigns supreme??
Who is it tht decides?
..............When, where, what, who, whom, how?

Someone must be there..
Someone who knows it all..
Someone whom we don't know...
..But a someone who knows us just too well.

Someone who knows the answers to the unanswered questions..
Someone who'll tell us exactly which belief is true...
Someone planning the whole conspiracy..
Someone who knows why the unreasonable things happen...

Go up...go down...go right...go left...
Is he everywhere??
Can he follow me to almost everywhere??
If he's there for everyone.. then why is he wasting time on me??
"Why?", I ask him... and the omnipresent smiles...
"Ok...so tell me the reasons for me atleast"...
...And knowing the answers he still doesn't say...
"Ok say something...something for keeps sake.."
..And through the silence I hear...
"LIVE IT....knowing too much would spoil the fun..."