Blues and Pinks and Yellows and Greens

3^rd March 2016

Maybe it’s postpartum depression. Maybe it’s the hormones acting up. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed. But this is what I am right now. And I’m ok with that.

I’ve gone through a lot – through my pregnancy and in the last 3 weeks. I’m not gonna undermine myself or my emotions. It’s normal to feel this way. I’m gonna fight it. Even if it means that I cry, because sometimes tears bring us the courage we need.

Sometimes crying doesn’t bring the courage. It just brings more tears and then more. You feel pathetic. You feel weak. You feel incapable. But that’s also ok I guess. It’s just a feeling. Feelings pass. And tears dry.

            *          *          *          *          *

I believe in God. I believe he knows the lessons I have to learn and pass on. So I just have to live and let go. Whatever will be will be. I’ll take each day as it comes counting my blessings.

I’m deeply indebted to my mother. She’s been there for me in a way no one can ever be. She’s there everywhere. Healing me, blessing me, sending me off to rest, making me food, feeding my babies, clothing them, bathing them, handling my house etc etc and more. I don’t know how I’ll manage without her once she leaves in 2 weeks. She won’t even be available on the phone for a year.

I wish that someday I can too love my children like this!

I’m so proud of the daddy my life partner is turning out to be. I never saw him with a child ever. And now he’s a full-on hands-on dad - Feeding, burping, changing nappies, singing and more. Not only that, he’s been a rock solid support for me whose held my back against the storms I faced. I never knew that having children would mean falling in love with my husband all over again!

            I love you Kev. I really do. Muahs.

            *          *          *          *          *

I’m not so unhappy with myself either. I think I’m doing a pretty good job of this, to the best of my ability.

I’m just so sad at myself. I never thought I’ll be this kind of a mother. Crying one at that. I thought I’ll be a happy, singing, vivacious full of songs and smiles kinda mother. But I can’t. Just the saving grace till now is that I’m not crying in the presence of my babies. I go away from them. I try my best to be happy and bring in songs for them when I’m with them.

Am I so self-absorbed that I can’t handle sleeplessness? Where is the mother’s instinct and strength everyone talks about? I haven’t seen that in me yet.

I’m not a superwoman. I’m not a supermom.

I’m a regular person. Maybe lesser than that.

What do I do?

Let it be

November '2014

let me be, just let me be..

I'm me, not you, not your expectations..
everyone's themselves, just let them be..

If you have no kindness, no consideration, no heart..
forever hold your tongue, just shut the fuck up..

What makes you think you're more important than the soul beside you?

We're all insignificant..
or we're all significant..

No grades, no ladders, no marks..

let it be.
let it go.

Do not be afraid. 

Things Fall Apart

22nd January '14

This book is a masterpiece... atleast for me. Can't wait to start on the #2 of the trilogy.

Brings alive old Nigeria and its rich culture just before its colonization. And when the conflict comes about, it's not only a conflict between two religions, but between a lot of aspects, incomparable aspects - way of existence, richness in history, identity, roots, beliefs & so much more....

“There is no story that is not true, [...] The world has no end, and what is good among one people is an abomination with others.”

The patriarch Okonkwo's dilemmas, decisions and actions give a feel of  insecurity, strength, pride, failure, need for approval and recognition and sketches a portrait of a man who believes what is taught to him and puts his might into bettering his situation, not without his weak moments though.

“Perhaps down in his heart Okonkwo was not a cruel man. But his whole life was dominated by fear, the fear of failure and of weakness.It was deeper and more intimate that the fear of evil and capricious gods and of magic, the fear of the forest, and of the forces of nature, malevolent, red in tooth and claw. Okonkwo’s fear was greater than these. It was not external but lay deep within himself.”

What was really interesting and heart-warming are the snippets of old Igbo sayings, stories and songs.

“Mosquito [...] had asked Ear to marry him, whereupon Ear fell on the floor in uncontrollable laughter. "How much longer do you think you will live?" she asked. "You are already a skeleton." Mosquito went away humiliated, and any time he passed her way he told Ear that he was still alive.”

CONSPIRER

8th May 2006

Sometimes from the deepest fears...
...Rises the utmost strength one has...
Sometimes from the darkest corners..
...Comes alive the most brightest fantasies...
Sometimes when these sometimes happen..
...One ceases and stops...and wonders...

What is it, which reigns supreme??
Who is it tht decides?
..............When, where, what, who, whom, how?

Someone must be there..
Someone who knows it all..
Someone whom we don't know...
..But a someone who knows us just too well.

Someone who knows the answers to the unanswered questions..
Someone who'll tell us exactly which belief is true...
Someone planning the whole conspiracy..
Someone who knows why the unreasonable things happen...

Go up...go down...go right...go left...
Is he everywhere??
Can he follow me to almost everywhere??
If he's there for everyone.. then why is he wasting time on me??
"Why?", I ask him... and the omnipresent smiles...
"Ok...so tell me the reasons for me atleast"...
...And knowing the answers he still doesn't say...
"Ok say something...something for keeps sake.."
..And through the silence I hear...
"LIVE IT....knowing too much would spoil the fun..."