Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts

my children, that's all I’ll ever want

17th January '2017

My children,
Just give me your laughter.
That’s all I’ll ever want.

Not even a year old,
I see you crawling away from me so fast,
Then taking slow steps back towards me.

You don’t come to me for nourishment
You look for plates and spoons

You don’t sleep, both together tucked on to me
You sleep independently, in your own cots

Already you’re growing up, too fast

Don’t mistake me
I’m not vain
I do not want you to want me
I don’t want anything at all

If something,
Just give me your laughter.
That’s all I’ll ever want.

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In a moment of peace

12th June 2016

One is sleeping
            oblivious to the world
            hands spread out, palms open
            receiving the knowledge of the ancient masters
            understanding the world
            in deep meditation
            in sleep meditation
            digesting the day, today.
Two looked here
            smiled at me
and then looked away
she’s listen to music
Indian classical ragas
having a conversation with the ustads
aa aa aa aaa aaaa…
was that an alap?
Three put her paw on the pad
            she’s asking me,  “what are you doing?
            what could be more important than looking into my pretty pretty eyes?”
            the vain one
she knows
            she’s the prettiest beagle in town
            the lively one with the wagging tail
            she knows

            Mumma loves Best!

Rumi, the greatest love of my life


30th May 2016

It was exactly a year ago, when I’d gone to Kirtika’s place and held you in my arms. You were the size of my palm and just like that, then and there you belonged in my heart.



A year later, I can’t even imagine life without you. In fact I survived the year coz of you, and just you.

I remember I held you close to my heart on the drive back home and you whined for your mom, all the way. And then, just like that I become your mom.


People think, I’m a mom to Naina-Kanishk. Giving birth gave me mommyhood. But I know and you know that you’re my first and will always be.  It was you I held nights in my arms as I slept on the floor, thinking you’d fall from the bed. It was you I’d swaddle in my chunnis and put to sleep on a bean bag turned cradle with soft  toys and chewies.  It was you who I first rocked to sleep in my lap with lullabyes. It was for you I’d stayed up all night crying when you got hurt for the first time. All this much much before my twins. In fact I think you brought me the luck as I only tested positive 2 weeks after you came into my home.

So remember, I’m your Mumma first and foremost.



To all those who think that having a dog could be dangerous around my children:

I just wanna tell you that besides the point that Rumi is my child herself, I don’t think Naina-Kanishk would have been there, if not for her.


Firstly, she got me the luck and the mother hormones, which preceded the coming of the twins.

Secondly, she was the sole person in charge of keeping me happy throughout a very difficult pregnancy. I owed my mental health and stability to her. Not to mention that she curled up protectively near my tummy to warm my babies.

Thirdly, and the most FINAL point: I’d any day trust Rumi over any person around my babies – coz dogs are more predictable animals than human beings. Plus Rumi’s life is all about unconditional love and my babies are a part of her pack. She’ll do anything to protect them, in fact.



A silly little in-promptu song for my silly little Rumi. It goes like ‘Bingo’  coz we’ve been clapping a lot to that lately.

There was a mumma
Who had a dog and Rumi was her name-o
R-U-M-I
R-U-M-I
R-U-M-I
And Rumi was her name-o

With a curious nose
And an antennae tail
A skip was in her walk-o
Velvety ears
So soft to touch
Alma was her food-o

L-O-V-E
L-O-V-E
L-O-V-E
You so much I love-o

Papaya, pototo, paneer and eggs
Choostix, biscuits, bones-o
Carrots, cucumber, peanut, gram
All eaten still she’s hungry – o

Always – Hungry – Rumi – Dear
Always – Hungry – Rumi – Dear
Always – Hungry – Rumi – Dear
Why so hungry Rumi – o?

With beagle friends and human friends
You’re so friendly Rumi-o
With a shiny coat and a pretty face
You’re the prettiest pretty we-know

Amber – Socks – Zappa and Fifi
Zoey – Bubli – Zairo and Churan
Zazu – Flash – Dylan and Pebble
Are some of your friends – o

There was a mumma
Who had a dog and Rumi was her name-o
R-U-M-I
R-U-M-I
R-U-M-I
And Rumi was her name-o


Love you my li'l rums, gujariya, pan-chaaali, rumbu-sumbu, poopy, dobby, chhotu, zumbaroo, hingospa and everything else and more we've called you out of 'machmacheee'.

Mom’s the word

20th May '2016

Yes that’s all I’m gonna write about, coz that’s all that I am today.

I’m seriously deliberating between writing this or maybe catching a wink for 15 minutes or as long as all is quiet.  Latter’s not playing it fair: pushing my eyelids down already.

Learnings:

1. I realized I could pass out too (that too without alchohol). My body too has limits.

2. I nap best with my dog. I used to nap best with my husband, but not anymore.

3. I actually like silence. There are times I prefer that there be no talking. (really me? I’m the most talkative person I know)

4. It’s only my mom that I love and hate with equal high intensity. She’s also the only person left in my life I have expectations from (barring, Kev)

5. There is a thing such as too much multitasking. Three is the max. If you go for four, there's a serious high chance of tipping the balance unfavourably. Eg. (i) Pumping, (ii) Singing to the baby and (iii) using the phone (whatsapp, grofers, firstcry) is already a lot. If you go for (iv) slight stretch to put the pacifier back into the baby's mouth - my advice, don't but if you do you're bound to spill milk (literally) 

6. It's the small things in life that moves you. always. small things. always. 



:P Gotta go. I just heard someone stir.

Blues and Pinks and Yellows and Greens

3rd March 2016

Maybe it’s postpartum depression. Maybe it’s the hormones acting up. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed. But this is what I am right now. And I’m ok with that.

I’ve gone through a lot – through my pregnancy and in the last 3 weeks. I’m not gonna undermine myself or my emotions. It’s normal to feel this way. I’m gonna fight it. Even if it means that I cry, because sometimes tears bring us the courage we need.

Sometimes crying doesn’t bring the courage. It just brings more tears and then more. You feel pathetic. You feel weak. You feel incapable. But that’s also ok I guess. It’s just a feeling. Feelings pass. And tears dry.

            *          *          *          *          *

I believe in God. I believe he knows the lessons I have to learn and pass on. So I just have to live and let go. Whatever will be will be. I’ll take each day as it comes counting my blessings.

I’m deeply indebted to my mother. She’s been there for me in a way no one can ever be. She’s there everywhere. Healing me, blessing me, sending me off to rest, making me food, feeding my babies, clothing them, bathing them, handling my house etc etc and more. I don’t know how I’ll manage without her once she leaves in 2 weeks. She won’t even be available on the phone for a year.
I wish that someday I can too love my children like this!

I’m so proud of the daddy my life partner is turning out to be. I never saw him with a child ever. And now he’s a full-on hands-on dad - Feeding, burping, changing nappies, singing and more. Not only that, he’s been a rock solid support for me whose held my back against the storms I faced. I never knew that having children would mean falling in love with my husband all over again!
            I love you Kev. I really do. Muahs.

            *          *          *          *          *

I’m not so unhappy with myself either. I think I’m doing a pretty good job of this, to the best of my ability.

I’m just so sad at myself. I never thought I’ll be this kind of a mother. Crying one at that. I thought I’ll be a happy, singing, vivacious full of songs and smiles kinda mother. But I can’t. Just the saving grace till now is that I’m not crying in the presence of my babies. I go away from them. I try my best to be happy and bring in songs for them when I’m with them.

Am I so self-absorbed that I can’t handle sleeplessness? Where is the mother’s instinct and strength everyone talks about? I haven’t seen that in me yet.

I’m not a superwoman. I’m not a supermom.
I’m a regular person. Maybe lesser than that.

What do I do?