Life in Neverwhere

18th Sep '2018

I feel like I'm alive when I wake up from my nightmares
But as the hours pass I begin to lose my life again
Going through the have-toos of the day
I cling to my night pillow
But no sleep comes my way
And when it does, it comes with nightmares

I don't think much
Don't live in the past
Nor do I contemplate the future
I'm not in the moment as well
I'm just lost somewhere
In the abyss of time
A neverwhere

I told you so


15th September '18

you were 18, I was 18
we became friends.
best friends
you were 20, I was  20
we expressed our love to each other
promised eternity

you were my first love. I wasn’t yours
you’re my only love.  but am I yours?

if I’ve known love, I’ve known only through you
if I’ve known pain, I’ve known only through you

the smell of you drives me mad. it haunts me
I smell your towels, I smell your shirts,
I smell you and I’m high.

you’re the one, I’ve always loved
you’re the dream, my only dream

the touch of you melts me.
it’s something I can’t do without
it’s something I need to sleep safely at night.

if I’ve known ecstasy, I’ve known only through you
if I’ve known vulnerable threat, I’ve known only through you

I’ve always hung on to your every word
believed every one of them to be true
then why did you lie to me?

I go here, I go there
I look for it everywhere

you’re the one who always gave me peace
what do I do, when you only take it away?

I’m hurting, but I do not say
I’m crying but I do not let the tears drop
I’m holding out my hand to you
But you don’t hold it

is this death?
the death of love?
the triumph of life over everything celestial

then this life without love means nothing to me
this love without longing seems empty to me
and this relationship without trust rings hollow

the earthquake’s epicenter was my everything dear
the foundations and bricks stay scattered around

what do I do with the ruble?
let it be or make house elsewhere?

I try to clean the mess
every tiny bit seems impossible to even pick up
a little speck weighs me down
and I can’t move

I drop it
I let it be

I enter the castle of rubles
strutting my stuff
and wearing my hero cape I sleep

undreaming
undreaming
undreaming

this never happened
it’s all in my head.





Foundation’s strong?
One more blow and I’ll break
There will be nothing of me
To speak or die or live

I donno what dreams to see
I donno where to go with you
I donno what to do
I donno what to repair

Do I know anything at all?
Just a false sense of knowing

Resurrections are for gods
We’re mere mortals

Innocence is lost when we grow up
How do we return to it again?

I like the way you say things
It makes my heart flutter

But I’m afraid
Very afraid
I do not know what to think





I see the beauty
I see the love
I see the rainbow
I see the sunshine

But then the clouds come over
And scare me
It’s dark and dirty and slimy

Will these nightmares ever go?
Will these promises be forever?

I always listen to my heart
And my head scolds ‘I told you so”

Creative, Imaginative Little People

27th July 2018 

Things, which help in creativity and imagination, are simple things. Things which modern parenting obsessed with growth monitoring of kids’ brains and constant pegging in the genius spectrum leaves little scope for.  For those who are still curious, let me spell them out in two points:
1.     Let Be: Let them get bored. Let them play with simple everyday objects in an undefined way. Do not interrupt. Do not correct or give instruction. Let them discover, invent and fill up their own space in their own way!
2.     Let Do: Everyday tasks. Special tasks. All tasks. So what if they fail? Encourage them to try again. Do not reprimand. In dropping things, in putting them apart and in testing our patience, kids conduct science experiments. Let’s give science, discovery and innovation a chance! Otherwise we’ll fail to give children independence, self-confidence, and formation of their own minds.

Everyday decisions like reading vs. screen, outdoors vs. malls, telling vs. asking, and scolding vs. reasoning go a long way in shaping the little minds. Of course, as adults some reactions come naturally to us. But let’s remember at that juncture that they are little, but fully formed humans. In fact, at this very moment, their brain growth is exponential (80% till age 3, 90% till age 6): meaning they take in 30 times more of the environment than what we can even fathom at a point in time. Sponges!

Let’s pledge to give the little humans the respect they deserve and all the makings of a safe nurture space where we can let them be and let them do.


#metoo

13th June 2018

Listen everyone
All the metoos
And the spectators
And the monsters

What’s the fucking solution?

I hear these whispers around
In hushed tones
Within bands of sealed confidences
the lines crossed
and the gaze that lingered still
there was a protest
cries of defiance
but no shame, not even a hint – the gaze lingers

the father who shuns his son’s bride
the uncle whose daughter is now his niece’s age
we’re watching, we know
but still we serve the tea
and share the joke

he’s a family man
he bullied and tried to hump a minor
he’s an affectionate man
his hand went up his son’s girlfriend top
he’s the life of a party
he flashed his dick to a five year old

they whispered
they cried
they were hushed
they were shushed

and when they asked why?

You asked for it
You’re a whore
One can’t clap with a single hand
Shut up, you’ll be the one shamed

She was five, he was fifteen
She asked for it
She was 10, he was 25
She asked for it
She was 25, he was 50
She asked for it

They grew up
Holding dear their dried tears safe within their own hearts
Their mothers made tea for the monsters
Served it with their favourite snacks
They were made to bow down in respect
To the same men who showed them disrespect
They heard their praises
Tolerated their presence
Cringing within
Every time

Whose the victim?
Whose the monster?
Where’s the verdict?

The victims committed the crime
The monsters were framed

Hey Darling (the tenth wedding anniversary)


12th April 2018

Hey Darling, My Darling
My love for you
Hey Darling, My Darling
This love’s only for you

I claim you through lives
I snatch you from the heavens
I shed layers and layers
And come quickly so

I shed my clothes
I shed my body
I shed my consciousness
And run intoxicated to you

Every naked bit
Needs to feel you
All at once

Every bit inside
Every bit outside
Needs to burn with your touch
All at once

Every bit of unconsciousness
Becomes you
Every bit of you
Becomes mine

Together we hold
Together we release
Together we fly
Float up high
And hit the ground hard
But merge deeper within

Day 6 & 7


19th & 20th Nov '17

Mind: a little here. A little there.
Body: kathak. Tabata. Tick. Tick.
Soul: no ticks

The sun rolls down
Like a golden tear
Another day
Another day
Gone
- Mike Ryoko

Day 5: Ghayal ki Gati Ghayal Jaane

18th November '2017

Mind: Magic.Tick.

Body: Kathak. Tick. 
Soul: Meditation. Tick.
Everyone has Solutions.




Why the hell am I not asleep?
Cause I can't seem to know when to keep by gob shut.


Why the hell is my gob open?
That's for an innate inner need that I need some more indepth research.



Not every person I love needs to be near
Not every person I consider near, needs to know my soul

No need to say hello.
It's fine. 
We'll go on as.
The cat and mouse.
Always.

Sometimes the kitten can get spots.
Which are not measles.
They can be black and can prowl.
Let's just believe her when she says.

I love you they say
We care, they share
But then why don't they?

Why do they have to say?
Why do they need to speak?
For the sake of it?

I understand truths have versions.
But is the version still relevant if it tramples upon someone?
Or is the satisfaction of it being out so dear, that you forget that someone is near?

Everyone Cares.
Everyone has feelings about things.
Their version is always true.

And my version? 

a weakness.
a figment of my imagination.
a hyperbole.
a faulty story.

a case of law.

Judgement: I'm wrong
Sentencing: shut your gob. 


That's why I need to shut my gob!