So, Today.

14th July, 2017

Today,
I’m a tired mother
I’m an exhausted mother
I’m a mother spent.

The bare minimal is my mantra
Just what is most required
Or maybe even lesser

I’ll put them to sleep
Feed the easy thing
Not so fresh, not so healthy

I’m an overwhelmed mother
I’m a drained mother
I’m a mother in tears.

I’ll pray that no one cries
The twins and the dog coexist
And harmony sounds sweet

I’ll just take out big toys
Ones with no small parts
And restricted spaces would rule

I’m a loving mother
A mother who sings
I’m also a mother with zero backup

So,

Today…

a lullabye hum

28th March 2017

kaheen chandrama
tim tim tara 
kaheen chandrama
tim tim tara 
zyaada hai andhiyara re
zyaada hai andhiyara re

baith sanware 
nadee kinare
baith sanware 
nadee kinare
paani kitna gehra re
paani kitna gehra re

udd udd chidiya 
neel gagan mein
udd udd chidiya 
neel gagan mein
aasmaa kitna saara re
aasmaa kitna saara re


कहीं चन्द्रमा 
टिम टिम तारा 
कहीं चन्द्रमा 
टिम टिम तारा 
ज़्यादा है अँधियारा रे 
ज़्यादा है अँधियारा रे 

बैठ सांवरे 
नदी किनारे 
बैठ सांवरे 
नदी किनारे 
पानी कितना गहरा  रे 
पानी कितना गहरा  रे 

उड़ उड़ चिड़िया 
नील गगन में 
उड़ उड़ चिड़िया 
नील गगन में 
आसमां कितना सारा रे 
आसमां कितना सारा रे 

Lovesong

24th March 2017

Someday
I'll be there
Someday
I won't

Someday 
I'll love you
Someday 
I'll play hard to get

Someday 
I'll need you
Someday 
I won't show

Beyond these Somedays
There's an Always
Beyond these Somedays
There's an Always
Where I'll always love you



Somedays 
are hard
Somedays 
are easy

Somedays
I'm looking back
Somedays 
I'm stressing the future

Somedays
I'm pensive
Somedays 
I'm not

Beyond these Somedays
There's an Always
Beyond these Somedays
There's an Always
Where I'll always be yours




Baby,
When it gets dark. When it gets lonely.
When it's beautiful. When it's lovely.

Baby
Living the extremes we find in the extremes
Living the extremes we find in the balance

It seems the only rhythm I need is your heartbeat
It seems the only song I need is our lovestory

is it old?
is it weird?
is it even normal? 
to be so hung over you?

my children, that's all I’ll ever want

17th January '2017

My children,
Just give me your laughter.
That’s all I’ll ever want.

Not even a year old,
I see you crawling away from me so fast,
Then taking slow steps back towards me.

You don’t come to me for nourishment
You look for plates and spoons

You don’t sleep, both together tucked on to me
You sleep independently, in your own cots

Already you’re growing up, too fast

Don’t mistake me
I’m not vain
I do not want you to want me
I don’t want anything at all

If something,
Just give me your laughter.
That’s all I’ll ever want.

-->

Smoke without Fire

7th December '16

So much simmering inside,
So much.
Why doesn’t it boil over?
Someone turn the heat on. Please!

I’m not done.
Still am a bit tight.
But this urge to spill over, before I’m done?
This urge,
So much.

Let the fire be drowned.
Let it sizzle.
When the smoke rises up
It’ll become a cloud and come down as rain.
It’ll rain,
So much.


September "we turn 7 months" Updates

Updates.

Kanishk is cranky. Seems like a fourth tooth is on the way. He had fallen in love with fans. He looks at them and smiles. His favourite song is 'wheels of the bus'. If you don't sing that he won't eat.

Naina is the background music through all. She sings to herself while she eats, changes and sleeps. She can play peekaboo through the day. Also, she loves books. Sorry she loves to eat books. She also eats faces, and chaddar and anything that moves and doesn't move.

Rumi is always on the prowl for food. Rumi is always hoping for food. Rumi is always begging for more food. She likes a little belly rub to go with it once in a while too.

Mommy is going crazy. Cooking and Burning and Burning and Cooking, with cook down. She burnt khichdi. Tried to make chilla with sattu thinking it's besan. She is also trying very hard to turn babies into readoholics. In fact that has turned her into a book-shopaholic. 40 kids' books plus one freebie book just got delivered. 🙈

Daddy as usual... Missing in Action. Actually not. He holds the fort in the morning and at night.

I have issues

7th July 2016

I have issues

I really do.

I think about the past and use it as a reflection tool, a bit too passionately than I should.

Just the other day I visited my hard-drive (repository of life stuff) and I started seeing old photographs. Old photographs of me (yes. I’m quite a narcissist).

I looked at myself and was jealous.

As I looked at the pictures, I felt myself go to the moment and I felt the past as a now with emotions, thoughts, feelings and more. It was like I knew why I was smiling in this picture, what stupid thing the person next to me said, who was the recipient of my affection, why I had my elbow out and more.

I realized, I just don’t feel all that much anymore.
I looked at myself and was jealous.

My joys, my sorrows don’t come from that pit anymore.  If it does, the pit is not deep anymore.  And just like that I started mourning the ability to feel extreme emotions.

Ironically, still, most people view me as an ‘extreme’ person.

Reflection time.

I saw myself.

A spirited person
Rain seeped into me
Pain pierced into me and bled me hollow

I laughed from my gut
Couldn’t stop my mirth
And giggled till my stomach hurt

But now? Where was the person in that picture?

Somehow, somewhere I stopped being true to myself. Bit by bit. I started conforming. I started looking for approval. And the funny thing about this ‘need for approval’ is. You can never get it. No matter what you do. No matter who you become. There will always be something more or something less. Always.

I stray again to spring 2008. I’d learnt a lesson then. I forgot.

That spring, I’d lost oodles of weight after a few months of eating nutritious diet and regular gyming. Was engaged to be married to my long time boyfriend. Was flaunting a new super stylish wardrobe. Was oozing self-confidence after 2 decades.

Finally I got the approving glances from the world. The SHREEJA who never fit in anywhere just fit right everywhere. I was walking different. Taking different. Was on the surface happy.

Just like that, I walked into a room and passed a full mirror in a corridor somewhere. I saw a passing reflection. I didn’t recognize myself. Moreover I hated the face of the girl I saw in the mirror.  I was in a state of shock. Was this me?

I sat down. I needed time to digest this information. This reality. And I cried. I cried and cried and cried for hours. That was the moment where the whole world approved of me. That was the moment when I finally ‘fit in’. But I couldn’t be with myself. I’d lost myself in the process.

I cried myself to sleep. The tears dried. And I when I woke up, it was me again. I promised myself I won’t lose myself to the world again.


I’ve forgotten that ancient promise, already.  I’ve trod on myself again.