‘what hit me?’

21st September '14

I wonder if my life is supposed to be about myself or is it supposed to revolve around someone?

Why do I need an anchor or a symbol of hope? Is it my weakness? And if I break that, lose it.. then what?

Right now the thin film which separated the filth and the clear in my life has dissolved. Everything is everything now. I can’t discern what is what. With such a judgement impairment should I even be allowed to live a normal day? 

I thought this one thing was the ray of hope. The thing which came in as a blessing to finally close some doors. You know like a ‘sign’. If I thought this was a sign, and this too eluded me, does this mean that the ‘opposite’ is true.

Everything happens for a reason. So what’s the puzzle here, what’s the lesson? What is it that I need to figure out before I can take a step ahead. Could it be just some old karma coming to bite me or is there something more to it?

I did protect myself. I thought I’d held myself back. I did tell myself ‘not yet’. But then how do you just go halfway and set up camp? How do you do something not fully - it’s either you do it or not! Well I admit, I can’t love and not invest myself fully at the same time. 

I didn't do it consciously. I was just breathing. I was just living. And yes, I did look forward and fell in love with a dream, which I thought was a reality. I felt this unreal thing. I spoke to this non-existence.

I’m not sure about anything now. Not this. Nor that.
I thought I’ll need a day or two. Maybe I need more. 

I can handle this on my own. I have to. I’ve pushed everyone off.