Where have the butterflies gone?

December '2014

Where have the butterflies gone?

They have flown into another dimension
    where the birds won't eat their eggs..

They are in hiding
    waiting to spring up all together
        and startle me..

They are planning a surprise party
    under the hedges
        for it's the moth's second birthday..

They are meditating
    to learn to levitate
        as flying is to hard..

The Calling

December '2014

I sat on the beach with my legs sunk in sand and chin on my knees
wearing a veil of hair
having a conversation with the ocean.
He was luring me, teasing me, inviting me.
He was succeeding.
He made me want to walk into his arms,
just right into him,
deeper and deeper still.

I didn't care if I couldn't breathe.
I didn't care if I would drown.
I didn't care at all.
Who listens to their heads when their hearts ruled?

It wasn't the first time.
He had come knocking onto my window with rain,
had played with my hair and driven me mad.

He left messages everywhere.
In small glass bottles with cork heads
he'd sent me love spells
sometimes as sand, sometimes as salt candies and sometimes even poetry.

The voodoo worked.
With white champas adorning my hair
I danced slowly into him
and he welcomed me with a roar and wave.

I got wet...                                                
                  ...never to dry again. 

in search of self

Dec ' 2014

acrylic on canvas

with my heart in my hand
I sail the universe
sometimes tiding the sea
sometimes deep beneath

I see a hundred million suns
I see a new world beneath after rock bottom
I see everything as one

the love within me
is the cosmic one
and the cosmos is me

I'm an insignificant speck in the universe
but as significant as the whole universe

the truth is
there are
worlds
within worlds
to the power of infinity
both ways
plus
or minus

Coming Back

November '2014

I came back after a long time
  to live
    to laugh
      to cry.
To hear myself breathe.
To feel the living in me.

I came back to myself.
It's not easy.
It's a journey
through rivers,
    mountains,
      judgemental people
        and situations.
I have to cut through all and emerge

I hold my cloak close.
The crystals shine
  and show me the way..

Cleanse

November '2014

The darkness inside of me spills out like industrial waste.
it's grainy, slimy, creepy with a stench and dirty.
very very dirty.

I take out a spoonful of the slime, everyday
and become cleaner, everyday.
I bathe in the sunlight, everyday
and disinfect the germs, everyday.

I'm swimming through the mud
into clearer water, still,
into cleaner air, still
with spiral rainbows and spinning fishes,
with powdered surfaces and daffodil hills.

Let it be

November '2014

let me be, just let me be..

I'm me, not you, not your expectations..
everyone's themselves, just let them be..

If you have no kindness, no consideration, no heart..
forever hold your tongue, just shut the fuck up..

What makes you think you're more important than the soul beside you?

We're all insignificant..
or we're all significant..

No grades, no ladders, no marks..

let it be.
let it go.

Do not be afraid. 

‘what hit me?’

21st September '14

I wonder if my life is supposed to be about myself or is it supposed to revolve around someone?

Why do I need an anchor or a symbol of hope? Is it my weakness? And if I break that, lose it.. then what?

Right now the thin film which separated the filth and the clear in my life has dissolved. Everything is everything now. I can’t discern what is what. With such a judgement impairment should I even be allowed to live a normal day? 

I thought this one thing was the ray of hope. The thing which came in as a blessing to finally close some doors. You know like a ‘sign’. If I thought this was a sign, and this too eluded me, does this mean that the ‘opposite’ is true.

Everything happens for a reason. So what’s the puzzle here, what’s the lesson? What is it that I need to figure out before I can take a step ahead. Could it be just some old karma coming to bite me or is there something more to it?

I did protect myself. I thought I’d held myself back. I did tell myself ‘not yet’. But then how do you just go halfway and set up camp? How do you do something not fully - it’s either you do it or not! Well I admit, I can’t love and not invest myself fully at the same time. 

I didn't do it consciously. I was just breathing. I was just living. And yes, I did look forward and fell in love with a dream, which I thought was a reality. I felt this unreal thing. I spoke to this non-existence.

I’m not sure about anything now. Not this. Nor that.
I thought I’ll need a day or two. Maybe I need more. 

I can handle this on my own. I have to. I’ve pushed everyone off. 

Bullseye

20th September '14

Sinking again

In the sky where there is no sand

The curse is dancing

Bullseye - it struck again

Awakened from the dream

The reality stings

The curse is on the prowl again

It preys on all four

Uprooted seeds floating on salty water

The dams break

The curse is swimming

Backstroke, breaststroke and butterfly

Some lives are not lived

Some things are taken before you even hold them

Some curses you do not deserve

But then what can you do?

Donno when I wrote this. 2013 or maybe 2014. 

Tossed in space,
I travel
  orbiting around
      god knows what?
A sun,
  a planet,
    a satellite,
        or an asteroid?

Inconsequential,
      maybe a li'l consequential.

Who knows
    what's the conspiracy
         or what do the elements intend?
Is there a way,
    a technique to know
      exactly where you're going?

Tell me.

gooyaazaamatierapoolie

I donno when I wrote this, maybe in 2013 or in 2014

to see is not to believe
to believe is not to see
the words don't express
they just try too hard.
but what about the stuff
stuff undefined?
let me make up a word
gooyaazaamatierapoolie
it expresses what I feel
do you know what it could mean?

Touch

10th June '2014

Touch.
A light touch.
Just a li'l feathery stroke.
So light on a sleeping back.
Like a pebble in a still lake.
Some ripples cascade.
Then the stormy silence and silence.
That's what a touch is all about?

But where do the ripples go?
Is there an underground chamber under all the lakes in the world,
where they go and hide?

Wide-eyed Fool

10th June '2014

Wide-eyed li'l fool
Oh, dear li'l fool of mine.
You still don't know
Oh! you really don't
That I'm your woman. your only woman.
And you're my man. my man.

So difficult. oh so difficult the road.
Why so difficult. why so difficult the road.
When you're my mate and I'm yours
Why so difficult the road?

Why do we get so weary at a day's long end?
Where's our nectar sweet?
And elixir vitae to dip in our wings?
Why are the days so burdensome, so mirthless and so full of things to do?
Is it our days or are we enslaved to them?

So many questions, so little answers
So many thoughts, so li'l thoughtless moments
So many hours, so li'l are ours
So many MEs in a day
So many YOUs in a day
Which one's should we pair?

For li'l Anaya

1st June '2014

My li'l darling
In yellow prancing
With mischief in her thoughts
And instruction in her words
Her crazy hair flying all about
And joy in her every move.

She's crept into my heart in a blink
And she holds its reins so hard
That I'm all but lost
In the deep sea that she holds in her eyes.

Traversing spirits

15th April '2014

Traversing spirits sometimes reside in me

Bits of Conversations
In sentences, in words, in gestures, in meaning
Still remain in me.

How to forget?
How to remember?
How to? Exactly.

Let me love.
Oh! Love I do.
Oh! Let me love.
Love I do.
But then the spirits awaken. 

Sands of time

15th April '2014

Wanna wake up when I want to
Kiss the Sun 'good morning' in its prime
Say 'goodbye' right away and put on the ac
Draw the blinds
Have a hearty breakfast and sleep again.

Wanna watch the stars tonight

Until they disappear into the morning light
Sit by the window
Stare into space
Listen to music
Read a book
Maybe poetry
Sip on a drink
Not worry the hour
For once
Just once
Own the sands of time.

A Wild Sheep Chase : A Review

3rd February '14

No sheep lives inside me. That is good in a way, I 'd guess. But I wonder how it feels to have someone in you.

This book is wonderfully Murakami, the way he always is. Writing about the strangest phenomena as the most ordinary and common place. Somehow his words end up transporting people to another world where strange rhythms become drones and  blend into the atmosphere.

pass the pickle

31st January '14

Sometimes it’s tough to be yourself

And live your life like you used too..

I can’t hear the world anymore

The seas are calling out to me

In the day

The whales scream

The dolphins spin in the air

In the night

I see the turtles crawling up to me..

I can’t see the people around me anymore

They’re all but a haze

The colours are drugging me

Playing with my consciousness

Tugging me into dreams

I spend the day trying to keep my eyes open..

I feel too much..

The cold pierces in

The warmth hisses

I taste too much..

The pickle I took a fortnight ago

The water I’ll sip in a while

I sense the bewilderment trying to drown me..

You think it’s a phase, just a day

Tomorrow would be different

But will it?

Things Fall Apart

22nd January '14

This book is a masterpiece... atleast for me. Can't wait to start on the #2 of the trilogy.

Brings alive old Nigeria and its rich culture just before its colonization. And when the conflict comes about, it's not only a conflict between two religions, but between a lot of aspects, incomparable aspects - way of existence, richness in history, identity, roots, beliefs & so much more....

“There is no story that is not true, [...] The world has no end, and what is good among one people is an abomination with others.”

The patriarch Okonkwo's dilemmas, decisions and actions give a feel of  insecurity, strength, pride, failure, need for approval and recognition and sketches a portrait of a man who believes what is taught to him and puts his might into bettering his situation, not without his weak moments though.

“Perhaps down in his heart Okonkwo was not a cruel man. But his whole life was dominated by fear, the fear of failure and of weakness.It was deeper and more intimate that the fear of evil and capricious gods and of magic, the fear of the forest, and of the forces of nature, malevolent, red in tooth and claw. Okonkwo’s fear was greater than these. It was not external but lay deep within himself.”

What was really interesting and heart-warming are the snippets of old Igbo sayings, stories and songs.

“Mosquito [...] had asked Ear to marry him, whereupon Ear fell on the floor in uncontrollable laughter. "How much longer do you think you will live?" she asked. "You are already a skeleton." Mosquito went away humiliated, and any time he passed her way he told Ear that he was still alive.”

Ashoka: The Search for India's Lost Emperor

8th January '14

"What constitutes Dhamma? .......little evil, much good, kindness, generosity, truthfulness and purity.....much self examination, much respect, much fear (of evil), and much enthusiasm."
- Excerpt: Translation of Rock Edict 1, Beloved of the Gods, Piyadassi, 3rd century BC

I loved this book, especially cause of it's approach. It doesn't just narrate the story of Ashoka and cite examples of the edicts and other things excavated,but it takes us on a journey of how this Great, Great emperor creeps back into our consciousness after centuries and centuries of neglect.

I guess we'll always be grateful to the British for the role they played in his discovery. And can hope, that the Indian history text books and conscious mind will give Piodesses (as the Greeks called him)the respect due to him.