19th & 20th Nov '17
Mind: a little here. A little there.
Body: kathak. Tabata. Tick. Tick.
Soul: no ticks
The sun rolls down
Like a golden tear
Another day
Another day
Gone
- Mike Ryoko
Day 6 & 7
Day 5: Ghayal ki Gati Ghayal Jaane
18th November '2017
Mind: Magic.Tick.
Body: Kathak. Tick.
Soul: Meditation. Tick.
Everyone has Solutions.
Why the hell am I not asleep?
Cause I can't seem to know when to keep by gob shut.
Why the hell is my gob open?
That's for an innate inner need that I need some more indepth research.
Not every person I love needs to be near
Not every person I consider near, needs to know my soul
No need to say hello.
It's fine.
We'll go on as.
The cat and mouse.
Always.
Sometimes the kitten can get spots.
Which are not measles.
They can be black and can prowl.
Let's just believe her when she says.
I love you they say
We care, they share
But then why don't they?
Why do they have to say?
Why do they need to speak?
For the sake of it?
I understand truths have versions.
But is the version still relevant if it tramples upon someone?
Or is the satisfaction of it being out so dear, that you forget that someone is near?
Everyone Cares.
Everyone has feelings about things.
Their version is always true.
And my version?
a weakness.
a figment of my imagination.
a hyperbole.
a faulty story.
a case of law.
Judgement: I'm wrong
Sentencing: shut your gob.
That's why I need to shut my gob!
Day 4: Country Roads take me home
17th November '2017
Mind: Magic. Focus Health. Tick.
Body: Kathak Practice. Tick. Workout ABT. Tick.
Soul: Meditation. Tick.
It's beyond day 4 now, but can't sleep. Big Busy Plans for the weekend. Simple Plans. Logical. But seems looming to me. Fingers crossed. Nerves on hold.
It seems like it must be my fault.
Cause I'm letting things/people get to me!
I can't hold my own,
I'm weak.
Would someone else in my space fared any better?
I would think, 'yes'.
I know the answers.
I know the ways.
I know what's to be done.
But just can't do it.
It's like it's Circumstance vs Me. (I wrote something on it 8 years ago)
HOME
Oh Calcutta! Oh Calcutta!
well the first verse I wrote ever, was for you..
I wish coming back wasn't so complicated
I wish we all came in peace and went in peace
I wish you gave me a chance to be right again
I wish the odds, the chances were fair
I wish I could match my childhood memories
I wish could make my kids see
I wish I could be carefree with free wishes, one more time.
Like it was, a while ago.
in some places your heart resides..
then why this Kolaveri D?
Mind: Magic. Focus Health. Tick.
Body: Kathak Practice. Tick. Workout ABT. Tick.
Soul: Meditation. Tick.
It's beyond day 4 now, but can't sleep. Big Busy Plans for the weekend. Simple Plans. Logical. But seems looming to me. Fingers crossed. Nerves on hold.
It seems like it must be my fault.
Cause I'm letting things/people get to me!
I can't hold my own,
I'm weak.
Would someone else in my space fared any better?
I would think, 'yes'.
I know the answers.
I know the ways.
I know what's to be done.
But just can't do it.
It's like it's Circumstance vs Me. (I wrote something on it 8 years ago)
HOME
Oh Calcutta! Oh Calcutta!
well the first verse I wrote ever, was for you..
I wish coming back wasn't so complicated
I wish we all came in peace and went in peace
I wish you gave me a chance to be right again
I wish the odds, the chances were fair
I wish I could match my childhood memories
I wish could make my kids see
I wish I could be carefree with free wishes, one more time.
Like it was, a while ago.
in some places your heart resides..
then why this Kolaveri D?
Day 3: as good as it gets
16th November '2017
Some Verse
---------------
with time's ebb and flow
it has been controlled.
everything is within limits.
life.
laughter.
experiences.
these limits i do not like.
this normalcy is like a gilded cage.
i do not wish to be ideal.
at no cost.
never.
ideals make way for idols.
idols stand on pedestals.
casting lonely shadows.
a day out in the sunlight.
with green in between my toes.
wildflowers in my hair.
chasing butterflies .
i measure the difference
between heaven and earth.
******************************
Mind: Magic. Tick.
Body:Today, I missed the yoga. What to do? Cook bailed and breakfast time for kids!
Soul: Meditation. Tick.
Mood-o-meter: not so low. good improvement over day two.
Some Verse
---------------
with time's ebb and flow
it has been controlled.
everything is within limits.
life.
laughter.
experiences.
these limits i do not like.
this normalcy is like a gilded cage.
i do not wish to be ideal.
at no cost.
never.
ideals make way for idols.
idols stand on pedestals.
casting lonely shadows.
a day out in the sunlight.
with green in between my toes.
wildflowers in my hair.
chasing butterflies .
i measure the difference
between heaven and earth.
******************************
Mind: Magic. Tick.
Body:Today, I missed the yoga. What to do? Cook bailed and breakfast time for kids!
Soul: Meditation. Tick.
Mood-o-meter: not so low. good improvement over day two.
Day One: "Slowly, slowly, slowly" said the sloth
14th November '17
I thought there would be fireworks!
There were none.
I thought I'd be dancing by the end of the day and joy would be me.
It wasn't.
Atleast I said hello to 'Reality'.
Whoa. That's big.
Given my life mantra happens to be (like Calvin) - "Reality continues to Ruin my life."
I did my Kathak. I did my day 'one' magic task. I did my meditation.
body. mind. soul.
promises kept.
all in day's work.
bonus: 2 games of monopoly deal at bedtime.
I thought there would be fireworks!
There were none.
I thought I'd be dancing by the end of the day and joy would be me.
It wasn't.
Atleast I said hello to 'Reality'.
Whoa. That's big.
Given my life mantra happens to be (like Calvin) - "Reality continues to Ruin my life."
I did my Kathak. I did my day 'one' magic task. I did my meditation.
body. mind. soul.
promises kept.
all in day's work.
bonus: 2 games of monopoly deal at bedtime.
Still, I rise
13th November '2017
I've not been too well.
I've not been too well.
In fact I've been feeling very low.
I thought I could handle it.
But not all the time.
It's been in bands.
I've been crying.
They tell you it's normal. All moms cry. So I think it must be normal.
I thought I cried a bit too much. But then I had twins!
I thought I could handle it.
It seems I haven't been able to. Atleast not effectively.
It has a name.
Shhh....It's a taboo. No one can know.
Know how many mothers suffer some form of Postpartum Depression?
1 of 5 mothers. And it's 4 out of 5 mothers of multiples (includes mother of twins, that's me).
Know how many people trolled me for feeling low?
9 out of 10 (or more)
But, at this point in time I don't a give a shit!
The truth is I feel like shit. But at this point in time I own every bit of shit that I am.
It's me. And mine.
OKAY. That was intense.
Focus. Focus. Focus. Again.
What's different today is that I'm ready to launch an expedition to get back to myself. I don't know whether I'll succeed or not. I'll just put every bit of me into this.
GAME PLAN
For the Mind:
1. Magic 28 day experiment
2. Weekly appointments to figure out my triggers and understand myself better
3. Blog. Write. Write. Blog.
4. Dabble: books, cinema, music
For the Body:
1. Atleast one physical activity per day
2. Nutrition (this is gonna be a tough nut, but I'm gonna crack it)
For the Soul:
1. Meditate atleast 10 minutes everyday
2. Communicate (conversation, writing) with my soul friends
3. Conversations with my soul - poetry, art, dance
And the last but not the least cross-category thingie:
Hold my partner and three kids, extraordinarily close. In other words "squeeze them".
But, at this point in time I don't a give a shit!
The truth is I feel like shit. But at this point in time I own every bit of shit that I am.
It's me. And mine.
OKAY. That was intense.
Focus. Focus. Focus. Again.
What's different today is that I'm ready to launch an expedition to get back to myself. I don't know whether I'll succeed or not. I'll just put every bit of me into this.
GAME PLAN
For the Mind:
1. Magic 28 day experiment
2. Weekly appointments to figure out my triggers and understand myself better
3. Blog. Write. Write. Blog.
4. Dabble: books, cinema, music
For the Body:
1. Atleast one physical activity per day
2. Nutrition (this is gonna be a tough nut, but I'm gonna crack it)
For the Soul:
1. Meditate atleast 10 minutes everyday
2. Communicate (conversation, writing) with my soul friends
3. Conversations with my soul - poetry, art, dance
And the last but not the least cross-category thingie:
Hold my partner and three kids, extraordinarily close. In other words "squeeze them".
Let me sleep
29th Oct '2017
So tired
So exhausted
So weary
Let me sleep
Do not wake me
You better not
Heaven forbid
Should you try?
So tired
So exhausted
So weary
Let me sleep
On the road
Too many days
Destination
Too too far
So tired
So exhausted
So weary
Let me sleep
Kiss the ground
Earth’s my mound
Wish you the winds
In the journey ahead
So tired
So exhausted
So weary
Let me sleep
I cannot sleep
Eyes won’t shut
Thoughts won’t stop
Why bloody not?
So tired
So exhausted
So weary
Let me sleep
Some Medicine?
Some Lullabye?
Some something special?
Or maybe not
So tired
So exhausted
So weary
Let me sleep
Away from home
23rd Oct '2017
Jumping high
But sinking low
Down and down
Elasticity gives
Down and down
The rabbit hole
Walls are moss
I see green
Beneath my nails
Away from home
So so lost
But I get no mails
I do not land
I just roll
To faraway lands
End of beyond
No service here
No internet
Away from home
The show must go on
8th August 2017
Let's bind our hearts
No! Chain them
And do the functional dance
The emotions can be painted over
The feelings are a passé
The show must simply go on!
We were patriotic once
We were passionate once
To this constitution, committed
Patriotism, Passion went up in smoke
The golden cage of
constitution survived
Holding the ashes, it remain suspended
Right and a left
A circle and then up
Another wave
A quiver
A minute of silence
And then the applause
It’s a good show.
The show must go on.
So, Today.
14th July, 2017
Today,
I’m a tired mother
I’m an exhausted mother
I’m a mother spent.
The bare minimal is my mantra
Just what is most required
Or maybe even lesser
I’ll put them to sleep
Feed the easy thing
Not so fresh, not so healthy
I’m an overwhelmed mother
I’m a drained mother
I’m a mother in tears.
I’ll pray that no one cries
The twins and the dog coexist
And harmony sounds sweet
I’ll just take out big toys
Ones with no small parts
And restricted spaces would rule
I’m a loving mother
A mother who sings
I’m also a mother with zero backup
So,
Today…
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