I told you so

15th September '18

you were 18, I was 18

we became friends.

best friends

you were 20, I was  20

we expressed our love to each other

promised eternity

you were my first love. I wasn’t yours

you’re my only love.  but am I yours?

if I’ve known love, I’ve known only through you

if I’ve known pain, I’ve known only through you

the smell of you drives me mad. it haunts me

I smell your towels, I smell your shirts,

I smell you and I’m high.

you’re the one, I’ve always loved

you’re the dream, my only dream

the touch of you melts me.

it’s something I can’t do without

it’s something I need to sleep safely at night.

if I’ve known ecstasy, I’ve known only through you

if I’ve known vulnerable threat, I’ve known only through you

I’ve always hung on to your every word

believed every one of them to be true

then why did you lie to me?

I go here, I go there

I look for it everywhere

you’re the one who always gave me peace

what do I do, when you only take it away?

I’m hurting, but I do not say

I’m crying but I do not let the tears drop

I’m holding out my hand to you

But you don’t hold it

is this death?

the death of love?

the triumph of life over everything celestial

then this life without love means nothing to me

this love without longing seems empty to me

and this relationship without trust rings hollow

the earthquake’s epicenter was my everything dear

the foundations and bricks stay scattered around

what do I do with the ruble?

let it be or make house elsewhere?

I try to clean the mess

every tiny bit seems impossible to even pick up

a little speck weighs me down

and I can’t move

I drop it

I let it be

I enter the castle of rubles

strutting my stuff

and wearing my hero cape I sleep

undreaming

undreaming

undreaming

this never happened

it’s all in my head.

Foundation’s strong?

One more blow and I’ll break

There will be nothing of me

To speak or die or live

I donno what dreams to see

I donno where to go with you

I donno what to do

I donno what to repair

Do I know anything at all?

Just a false sense of knowing

Resurrections are for gods

We’re mere mortals

Innocence is lost when we grow up

How do we return to it again?

I like the way you say things

It makes my heart flutter

But I’m afraid

Very afraid

I do not know what to think

I see the beauty

I see the love

I see the rainbow

I see the sunshine

But then the clouds come over

And scare me

It’s dark and dirty and slimy

Will these nightmares ever go?

Will these promises be forever?

I always listen to my heart

And my head scolds ‘I told you so”