Living Memories

14th December '03

Old, torn, scribbled pieces of paper...
A dog on the road and a playing child,
A song with beautiful lyrics
...they all trigger something.
The moon, the stars and the shade of sky,
A cup of coffee and a picture on the bedside,
Echoing conversations inside, between my two ears
...push me away from this world.
Dreams which I see- be it day or night,
A cherished gift and a greeting card,
A packet full of treasured rubbish
...excite me, remind me of you.
Unspoken words, unfulfilled yearning,
Salty water on smiling lips,
A letter addressed but delivered not,
...just watch the time tick away...


5th October '03

The moment had lingered for a second
............and then moved on...
But me, No!... I stayed on...

Looking for the dropping sand particles
In the maze of time
I dunno where? - I got stuck.
Is it past, present or future?
Or a dream, maybe a nightmare?
I don't know.

I just want the moment to be there,
I desire it to be omnipresent,
I demand it to be revealed, yet again.
I dream for it, I yearn for it.

But, the moment had...lingered for a second
............and then moved on...
...But I stayed on.


Divinity descending and coming so close,
Im expanding but my weight is no more.
The seeping sensation of growing oneness,
Oneness with thy oneself.
There is love, love so pure
Penetrating into every pore.
Enraptured with grace my heart overflows,
Empowers my mind and connects me above,
I'm blessed, I bless you and we bless all.
All the whys get answered
And I'm at peace, the illuminated me,
For there's reason behind all..
I do... thee.
I.... do thee.
Climbing high on a ladder already high
I do not reach for the stars,
They come down to me.

Black Out

31st October '03

Darkness and night in my little world.
There is this faint light, ray of hope
which flickers now and then
but then dies...and so do I, a hundred deaths everyday...
...everyday... series of living hell and ecstatic deaths
in the blackness, lightless, grave silence.

Silene incenses my world,
I have but, all but peace...
Darned with concern regarding someone
and laced with the same someone's behaviour patternata
the heart leaps to and fro
From dungeons to heights,
From peaks to deep valleys... all in a jiffy.

My world is not of woe,
Neither of wet weeping, nor of yelping cries...
Here the unspoken words reside,
Imprisoned are the feelings,
And emotions bleed gracefully, painfully but uncomplainingly.

Dream shells are scattered on the sand, beside the turbulent sea,
But they fool the eyes like a mirage...
Stooping to pick them, I get nothing but sand, which also slips away...
I'm left with nothing
Nothing is what i get out of all i wanted,
And without that, in my eyes, in my heart,

Gypsy Chimera

28th September '05

torrent torrid..
migratory music..
vagabond mind..
santoor and table beats..
ragas and alap..
eyes and beauty..
beauty and eyes..
your eyes..
my eyes..
no barriers..
A hand raised..
a finger touches me..
Don't do that..
I'll die..
Please don't..
I'd forgotten the feel of you....
I'm too weak..
I'll melt totally..
I can't take the ecstacy of your touch..
and then fizzles..
I'd said "No" and u went away..
or a floating-fleeting nightmare.


19th September '05

this is it...
this is what i like...
communicating to you...
expressing to u...
with words...
whether written or spoken...
words are generally enough but…
nowadays they don't seem so.
i seem to have a way with words...
but it seems at times they refuse to have a way with me.
i'm trapped in this cage...
they call this cage utopia…
i live here..
and when somebody knocks on the door...
i despair..
when reality meets my world...
when my dreams come true....
they suddenly spring with so much more...
i just then cannot take....
silent sobs....
and bursting air bubbles....
all's gone in the air...

A White Candle Burns

The wick’s on fire
And the wax melts
Slowly, it burns and glows
No ashes just burnt wax….
From a white candle to burnt wax
The flame’s there…
…not burning the candle now, it’s burnt
But burning the candle’s soul…
….the soul of candle burns…
….for seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks….
… burns without wax…
…..just burns

What is this?

What’s the mechanics of me?
Oscillating from here to there…
Only the time realizes I’m there.
I wanna jus’ die..
Fall to the ground..
And shred to piece…
Why do I feel so restless?
As if the thing inside me, which moves..
Will kill me…
Or make me impair.
It doesn’t even move…
Kinda creeps about inside…
In a swallowing manner.
And it is swallowing me..
I’m already in its grip..
Totally gone.
But still I speak,
My last words..
The last cry for help..
Or maybe…
It’s just the realization…
Sinking in…

The Nude In The Matter

5th October '03

Tear out the covers which hide it
Shed the veils of shame,
The nude in the matter
Is throbbing with pain.

Stare at it hard … really hard …
With autumn the leaves have all fallen.
Decipher the code, the gesture, the emotions
Before, new leaves cloak its breasts.

Who can take the barren winter?
Who can be pierced with its chills?
Not you, not me, not anyone,
We’re too petrified, too afraid.

It takes an honest eye
Which peeps from its soul
To pull the sheets
And delve into the stark nakedness.

Beyond The Horizon

12th September '03

Beyond the horizon where my eyes can’t reach,
My heart sees him, waiting, waiting for me.
“Can he see me too?” is what I ask myself.
Answers I get none, not one.
But still my heart believes, it’s me who he wants.
Visibility of my sight organs is perfect
But still it’s impaired with the engulfing fog.
Will I reach the end of my rainbow?
Where he, my treasure stands.
Trying not to see, letting my heart beat
I just walk and never stop.
Getting pulled by a force, my steps comply,
Reaching the horizon would I know
What destiny has in store for me?

Que Sera Sera

21st December '04

This meandering road, twisted and turned …
Narrow, sometimes wide …
Laden with spring boughs
And at times bare
With frozen winter chills
I know not where it will take me?

Will I dip in blue seas?
And become a lost mermaid
Fascinated by the world beneath.

Will I feel the winds strong and stride
Higher and higher and more high
With my wings as a swan goose
Honking away to glory with my flock.

Will I be the ever-so-colorful
With intoxicant whiffs of fragrance
A never wither flower
Delighting you with my wildness
Until the moment
I’m trampled.

The Scarred Heart

29th August '02

The utter feeling of desolation and abandonment, is it true? Or is it my misconception?
The fear which resides inside me is restless today. Is it without reason?
The time has come to face the facts, facts which were blinded with hope.
Yes it’s show time, remove the curtains and let reality speak for itself.
Let there be no lies, no postponements, no reassurances.
Heart-ache is destined; let the knife cut it today than tomorrow.
The shimmering scarlet stream accompanied with salty teardrops flow.
Let it flow among time’s ebb and flow and take the pain away.
Pain with agonies and delights of true love.
Love so incomplete and yet complete with the pain.
Love, yes complete, complete in the way a person breathes,
Breathes to live and dies to abandon pain.


3rd January '05

Each night brings with it
A thousand questions
A million dreams
A trillion stars
A single moon
And also a dread, that I fear...
What if? I can’t discern my shadow …
What if? It’s just not there …
What if? It’s walked away …
What if? I just lose it …
What if? It never comes back …
What if? I can’t find it …
What if? It refuses to return …
What if? I just can’t reflect …
The moon looks at me in the eye
The stars light up to brighten my destiny
And the thousand questions remain unanswered.
But, someone whispers into my heart,
“Your shadow is yours,
It belongs to you. ”

A Peak into Goldie's World

January '05

Hi! I’m Goldie, a goldfish in a round bowl in the middle of a drawing room of a very interesting family. I have a whole table to myself, obviously round. And the strategic positioning of the table on which I reside gives me the best view of the drawing room, every nook and corner inclusive.

Today, in the afternoon came Mrs. Agarwal’s best friend Mrs. Almera with her not so tiny daughter, Tina who seemed like the perfect disaster, leaking at all times from all places with accompanied scary noises. Had Earth been my own kingdom she’d be banished from it long time back. The foolish girl first tried to scare me off by tapping on the glass surface. As if I don’t know that she’ll have to break the glass to get through to me from the sides of the bowl and she’ll hurt herself first. What do these humans expect? I’ll run helter-skelter. No way. But then to make things worse she took fancy to me and tried to poison the water I live in, my life’s sustenance and for a moment I really felt as if death was there, somewhere very near.

But as they say, “every cloud has a silver lining”, then came my martyr Kanav, ‘kanu’ as they call him and saved me from the little witch’s shadow. He’s 2 years old (a year elder to me-just perfect) and today (blush, blush and more blush) he kissed me, and that too a chocolate kiss, of course not in front of everyone. Mmmmmmmm… first kiss, feels like heaven, doesn’t it? To me too, it felt like heaven with gulps of water, while sliding on a glass barricade. But anyway, first kiss is first kiss, and Kanu is an adorable darling and everyone loves him, but he loves me. By the way he calls me “Goee” with love. (A sigh, a double sigh). But one’s fate is one’s fate and I have a fish’s fate, not even a mermaid’s, dammit.

Now here comes Mr. Agarwal walking in his entire prime with his head-up-so-high, but I wonder why? Coz whenever I look up I see nothing interesting in this house, just the ceiling. He was the one who brought me into this family but since then he’s never even glanced at me, never given me those morsels they serve as food to me. That time at the shop when he queried about me I felt as if he cared, but I was wrong- he was just buying a piece of furniture. If it hadn’t been for Radha, their maidservant who would know, I might have starved. And now even after all the work she’s been doing since morning, the master of the house is shouting at her and she’s listening quietly. I know she hurts, she tells me sometimes. He’s now telling her that she has no value for money, he, who with all his money could just buy me loneliness. All he could afford in the fishery was a single goldfish.

Mid-Autumn Festivities

19th September '05

A lonely planet rotated...
revoluted and rotated
...round and round
in the ellipse of the elliptical orbit....

Which galaxy?, which solar system?....
not even the star it went around did it know... just spun in the cosmic
...the motion, just a motion....

No asteroids came its way..
not even meteroids...
if they did....
it gently smiled them away..
with grace just stepped aside...
and next with a sombre turn,
in motion again...............

It had a knight in shining armour once..
an angel... in disguise besotted..
like mates, like inseparable pairs...
they'd done the dance in space...
with swirls and whirls..
and crazy turns....
....the motion, a merry motion...

Some forces unknown....
some out of control balances...
catapulted the moon away...
away to an unknown planet..
it neither knew nor loved.....

The dislocated planet is still in motion...
while its waters, and streams,
oceans and seas..
..just go haywire...

And somewhere far off....
they eat the moon...
with festivities......
.. A mid Autumn Occasion
...for festivities.