29th April '07

I see the dark retreating now. It's moving away. Fading iinto the deep shades of blue which seem to glow momentarily and then lightens.

And as this cool breeze envelopes the whole being I see the mighty emerge. Birds chirp in chorus, welcome hymns. It's the daylight, orange and crimson and illuminative.

I see this light getting into me, gently, pushing it's way into me. The darkness inside me is restless, very restless. It's dying. It's being subdued. But this morning breeze calms me, cools me.

I feel like I've awakened. Awakened now, from a deep sleep. Ironically, I didn't sleep at all. Not a wink.

The birds are doing their morning chores in the trees in full swing. Totally, musically in the groove. Some early risers, already setting off for work. Maybe some pending work awaits?

The darkness inside me flutters. It wants to fly free. I can't let it go. Still.

I look around for red. Where are you? Isn't your arrival due now? Even the flowers bloom out of their buds to catch a glimpse of you. And you, just take your time. Why?

28th April '07

From :( to :) in a moment which was less than a second. Why? A miracle I thought I'd never see. A shooting star. I can't stop smiling since then. I was lying down on some prickly bed of somewhat soft grass and jabbering away, deep in thought in my own world. And it happened.

Just a li'l TWIK. That's it. That's how the star fell on me and disappeared. I didn't see the flash of light and the tail thingie, which they show in movies and illustrations. It was just the drop of star falling, as if it couldn't wait for me to come to her and just came onto me, with a gush of emotion?. maybe?

I know it's a scientific normal thing. Nothing great. But for me it was superfantabulous. And I'm not buying any argument about it being anything less.

And wishing a li'l wish isn't superstitious at all. It's nice, makes one happy. At least makes me. What if it's actually comes true?

P.S.- A cobra, deadly poisonous was also spotted on campus today. 3 feet they say and shining. I walked up and down cautiously, but the king wouldn't reveal itself to me. Maybe for my benefit only.

The Green Night

20th April '07

It's a dark green night....
I sit upon a
bed of prickly green
under the shade of swaying green
enveloped by the greens of the creeping wall.

I sit amongst this deep green greenery.
I sit in this deep green night.
And think which shade are you?
and think which shade are you?
While a shadowy crescent moon
peeps from a deep, yet far-away grayish blue.

A little bit of?

20th April '07

A ray of hope is all I need.
A ray of hope to live.
A ray of hope that life is there,
and it's a life that breathes.

A flicker of doubt which lives.
A tiny spec of dust.
A mere, toothless smile which is true
and just a little trust.

A little bit of blue sky
which holds all the hues...
hues and stars and moon and magic...
all in a little sky.

A little bit of green I need,
a green of long and short grass.
A red of love, an orange of sun
and yellow of canaries.

A little bit of love I need.
Just a little bit.
And a little bit of you...
....................a little bit more of you, to live.

Waiting for the drops

20th April '07

A cold drop of heaven
on my warm cheeks...
A cold drop of heaven on my warm cheeks
and the cashmere black in shreds
tickles all about....
The winds turn the trees tipsy..
and the dance of the trees get me high.

Your messenger a single drop
announced your arrival...
Where are you? o' shower of life?
I await you.
I await you.
I await you with longing in my heart.

The changing hues of blue,
the orange, merges into red
and then the deepest shade gets deeper.

Today I won't give up...
I'll wait till the moment you come.
Last night I waited till dawn.
and then you showered.
the very moment I slept.


20th April '07

Web of thoughts, feelings, rights and wrongs...
confuses the hell out of me.
Am I a constitution of free thoughts, feelings and actions?
Am I whatever I perceive myself to be, because of myself?
Am I me, independent of all. Just me.
I guess not.
When will I view the victim in me...
and free it from the bounds of steel?
Yes, with the key of hope
let me unlock the trapped wings.
Let me with magic dew drops
wake me from the deep sleep.
Let me see the world it is
with all the eyes I have to see.
Let me, let me, let me,
oh, human beings.
Let me, oh humans be.
Let me and my brothers and my sisters be.
Perfection is not there.
Not anywhere it seems.
Let its shades be drawn from your eyes
Let its shades be drawn from your eyes
and see the imperfection and difference there is.
Celebrate it. Love it. Just be free......
....Live. Let live. Live. Free

The different shades of human flesh.
The various orientations to love.
The caste, creed,, religious biases are all shit.
A human is first a human.
A human is all there's to note.
A human, my friend, u see.
A human is all you see....
if you see from human eyes.

No rules I know.
No protocols I accept.
No wrongs I'm gonna support.
However small, however little, however not so loud...
...I'll voice my voice for reasons,
reasons, reasons in which I believe.

A silent spectator, is not practical.
A silent spectator is a coward.
Who slaps his/her martyrs.
Who kicks his/her legacy away.
Talk. Think. Argue. Discuss.
Voice for voice for the truth.

14th April '07

hey the worldly creatures...
a hey to you all..
a hey?
is that all I can do?
Maybe not.
Hey naaaaa
bolo bolo
hay naaaaa??..
yes would say a horse
yes would say a zebra
yes would say a donkey
what would u say?

I would say....
it's a crap question.
So the answer should be equally crappy, or you are not up to the mark of foolishness to answer this question.

spinning heads
spinning worlds
spinning beliefs (just an illusion)

an illusion that scares
an illusion that makes me roar
an illusion, a gift of the externals

yes, the externals strike again
again they play their game
the same externals,
yes the same ones,
the ones I thought were mine.

their mind i cannot fathom
their motives cannot understand
I wish it's all an illusion
and that's all there is to it

they do not kill the person
they do not kill the situation
they kill the mind
slowly, with deadly poison

pushing it into coma'
the deadly threshold
killing it mercilessly
will they rejoice?

this world has lost its glory (i know it's a boyzone line)
this world has lost its glory for me
nothing it has to entice (as of now)
the expectations become dread
and the dreams nightmares

with these so many words
I let some toxins out, maybe?
but maybe i also
pin nails into someone heart.

sorry for these nails...
which i prick again
i only try to let it out
and it comes out, just not right.

it's not about you
it's not about us
it's not about the belief in you
it's not about the trust

it's about this world
outside the one i acknowledge
it's about this other side
which i just do not like

it's about this whole big thing
which appeared from nowhere
it's about this weird nonsense
the king of nonsense, if i may say

still the donkey that i am
i bray, say yes to the hay
and go toiling nodding sweating my way
making my way to god knows where
making my way to god knows where

13th April '07..on the dot 00:00 hrs

Sorry life, For being such a whiney the other day.
I'm not a loser. I'm a winner. At least I believe in indulging in a fair game. But then they say, "everything is fair in love and war". But I don't think so. Everything is not fair in love. And War in itself is an unfair concept, so no further argument to be put there.

Today I'm all ready to rock my life. Get on with it. Ride the waves higher still. And then when the waves have stretched their arms to the limit to open my arms and soar to the stars. But, wouldn't there also, I'd be just one among so many stars? Hmm? Then why do people want to become "stars" all the time? I never get it. Like I've said before. I never want to get famous. I don't want to be a known face. I just want to be known as I am, truly, to my near and dear ones and also those who matter to me. I don't want to remembered in history. But I want to exist long after I'm no more in spirit, as spirit in people's hearts. People who'd know me, for what I am, would be the was then. Most of all, I just want to get into and totally immersed in what I do, hundred percent. To be able to truly live my life. Get under the surface.

Let me get the force....build it up to the limit....to a limit which is limitless, and then everything, anythiing which comes on-road to within, to depth...to just cut across it. Totally. Such that nothing, nothing stops me, stops the gush, the flow. The flow is

"Charaivati"- hey where did this term come from? I can remember an old school Hindi chapter, "Behta PAni Nirmala". Don't remember the author. But there the author uses the words. Charaivati Charaivati. Chalna hee jeevan hai. Meaning, Life is what goes on, it's a constant move. Stopping is death.

11th April '07

It's the head...which pays no heed to reason. Or it's the heart. Whoever it is. Please stop harassing me with these questions. This deep depression you keep pulling me into. Stop it. Don't do it. It's killing. Don't make me think. Don't let me think. My head's gonna burst.

I had a lot of expectations from you, Mr. Life. Ok. So you let me feel I'm gonna get everything I'd thought I'd get. It wasn't as if i didn't work for it. I did. Sincerely. With all of my heart. But when you didn't give me what was due, I thought it was my fate. But to actually go out of your way and do the exact opposite of my expectations, is a bit too much. Isn't it? I'm still ready to accept all. But just tell me? What was my fault? Where did I go wrong?

Why don't you answer my questions? Why doesn't anybody answer them? Is anybody listening to me? The ones I need to question directly are unavailable to me. I can't access them. As I'm not supposed to know what I know. But how can I forget it, now that I know. How can I? Memory, plays a lot of tricks. It made me forget something dreadful, and didn't remind me of the dread till 15-16 years later. Its just came back to my mind. Can't you Mr. Memory do the trick again. Pull the rabbit of your hat.

Sunday, last sunday, only I felt I had the whole world. Didn't need anything more, and didn't need anything less. But, Monday my world flipped. I know you'd warned me. I got the signals, alright. I mentioned it, whispered it into the ears also. But the warning did not prepare me for the shock. Thank god my world is still mine. And is determined to not go of my hands. But my butter fingers for a moment felt that they'd dropped everything and shattered all the dreams. Maybe they are. Who knows?

A song which I always sang..."Ankhiyon ke jharonkon se...."..translation...in my words...

Looking through the windows of my eyes, when I tried to see you, my darling
....you seemed so far away...so so far off...
But closing eyelids as I sat to ponder, and let my mind wander,
...all that I saw was you, and you so close to me, smiling in my heart.

I had a li'l heart of mine with me, once
which now keeps getting away from me, seems lost somewhere...
Finding you, however in my life,
something strange has started happening.
Just trusting you, and basing all the trust on you,
I've let myself forget everything....
let my life pass away like this.
with you let my life pass.

I live looking at you, my darling..
I'd die for you too, my darling
wherever you are, my darling.
My world resides there with you.
Day and night, my heart prays for you, and only for you..
God forbid, that the flowers of our sweet expectations and dreams should wither

SInce I've adorned myself with the colors of your love,
While waking, I slept,
and as I dreamt I stayed awake.
Please let no one, steal away my love-filled dreams,
the thought itself makes me anxious, so so afraid and anxious

Looking through the windows of my eyes, when I tried to see you, my darling
....you seemed so far away...so so far off...
But closing eyelids as I sat to ponder, and let my mind wander,
...all that I saw was you, and you so close to me, smiling in my heart.


7th April '07

Want to say so much to you, now
No words come my way
Yet, ....all I ever knew,
ever felt...
All that I was,
I am,
is all in front of you.

6th March '07

5 am....nearing dawn...

didn't sleep the night before....slept around same time or max 4 hrs.
tonight no one lets me sleep....we have work, you see....
and the weekend's round the corner, and heaven knows the last thing i wanna be this weekend is sleepy.

Mansi Agarwal had said once, quoting someone else,


I believed it to be true, and remembered it. But now I realize at this junction in life the true god-damn value of the god-damn phrase. It's like u read, u listen, u hear. But it never strikes. And if it does, it seldom strikes hard. It struck me hard this time.

An ode to the mates:

6th April '07 (5:05 am)

Mates my mates..
mates my mates...
of the yesteryears
of today,
who pushed me to where I am,
who are me even as I type these words,
who made me, me, the way I am.
Mates my mates...
mates my mates
of the yesteryears
of today,
of the future, if there is to be.
A tip of the hat,
a thank you not,
a hug, a kiss, a letter,
a message, a wish, a thought,
what should I give thee??
maybe nothing,
maybe all,
all that there is to me.


3rd April '07 (was it dawn?)

It's so goddamn difficult
to let people understand the system,
It's really pissing when
the winds, the elements are all troubled by a single intention.
It's really very not so considerate and pleasing
when what you do and your intentions are not reciprocated.
Much worse, when misinterpreted.
It's really stupid at times to go out of your way
for some, who'd never do the same for you.
It's a selfish world,
that's all that it is in the end.
To live selflessly here,
is a big mistake.
Compassion's to be curbed,
Love is to be hidden,
Care, never to let get through.
Coz' what happens is,
no-one really cares
and all they do is put-up acts.
Coz' what really is,
that it's the masks all around,
and all emotions forged to use you,
once and again.
The smiles, the jokes,
not all is clean.
Faces, gestures and words,
not to be taken on the face,
never, ever, never, ever.
In my li'l world i'd stay.
Outer self to the outer world.
A sheath I'd lock so tightly over,
impenetrable except to time-tested few.
I've learned my lessons,
my eyes can see.
I've got my dues,
won't expect them ever back.
Some accounts are better open,
the closure's often weird.
The dreams are awakened.
A sound sleep is pushed away.
Maybe, I'll be fresh tomorrow (actually today),
only if sleep comes back to me.

Green Hole

2nd April '07

Let's trickle down with drippity clinking sounds
into the little green hole.
Let's zonk into that little world
the little world of ours.

Let everything fade
as the background blurs.
Let the real emerge
as the veils fall down.


1st April '07

When the day turns into night
When the lights leave the dark spaces within
When the surreal exists but shows not its mark
I rise from the shadows, to search.

When the knife cuts through the flesh
When the rain pours but can quench thirst not
When the mind keeps moving but is thinking not
I smile to myself, cause i can figure it not.


1st April '07

I flap my hands to fly, towards freedom
I run out to gasp for air
I wish for oxygen, pure
It comes in installments, rationed 2 days in 3 months.

I collapse in reminiscence of the flight of freedom
I dream a reality which floats in the subconscious
I look for home
I still keep looking

I go zig
I go zag
I go zig-zag zig-zag
Again and again
Stop then start again

Strong arms to hold me
Strength which shakes me to see
Moments which fill me up
Restless I get for you

1st April '07

The day of the fools.
A day for everyone of us.
How different is it from other days?
I don't know.
Do you know?

Now that I have opened the piece of writing, i can sit back and relax and let my fingers do the art of crafting. I actually thought it was the mind, the idea which mattered when you had to write or create anything. But my hands, fingers actually, have a mind of their own. The mind comes in where the mood is to be created. And am I moody? Mad-I-Moody. :)